


Tell Him About the Light

by thewitch0fthewilds (gossamerstarsxx)



Series: Not With Haste [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Helpful Cole (Dragon Age), Other, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 15:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4925128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gossamerstarsxx/pseuds/thewitch0fthewilds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cole doesn't understand why Cullen's love makes her hurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell Him About the Light

**Author's Note:**

> Set prior to [That Word You Call Me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4902355).
> 
> Inquisitor is Aislin Lavellan, a dual-wielding rogue.  
> Her background is [here](http://saiyanshewolf.tumblr.com/post/111572251253/artwork-by-the-lovely-peacockzzz-info-template).  
> Her tag with screenshots and unposted drabbles/fics is [here](http://saiyanshewolf.tumblr.com/tagged/my+inquisitor).
> 
> **Warnings** : Very, very vague allusions to past abuse; they were so vague that I chose not to use archive warnings, but if anyone would like me to change that I will.

"Smarmy. Smug. Selfish. Savage, but dead."

Cole pauses for a moment, looking up at Aislin from under his hat with apology in his eyes, but Aislin only nods.

She is leaning against the garden wall, twisting a daisy chain together in her long fingers as Cole sits in the wall's shade. He has a black kitten in his lap. It is but one member of a little family that he relocated to his attic at Blackwall's request, after the Warden found them in the barn weeks ago. Cole loves them, and the kittens are old enough now that he carries one wherever he goes.

"It's good he's dead," Cole says, scratching the kitten under the chin. "Not the kitten. Him. I'm sorry. I'll stop."

"I don't mind, Cole," Aislin says, twisting daisies together and glancing down at Cole's wide hat. "I told you that. Talk all you like."

Cole hesitates for a moment, clearly unused to such blanket permission to explore the painful thoughts and feelings of others...but no one else is in the garden, and Aislin never asks him to be quiet when they are alone.

"But _you're_ quiet, always," he mumbles, and Aislin knows that he’s listening to the tangled vibrations of her heart and mind, knows he won’t push it away any more. She wonders if it’s a relief to him - if it feels better to talk about the knot as he untangles it, rather than having to remain silent and leave it be.

"Not vocal but not voiceless. You listen, learn...but you lie." Cole scratches under the kitten's chin again; it purrs, and Cole smiles.

"I do," Aislin agrees quietly. Cole knows, and she doesn't argue. She winds honeysuckle through the daisy chain, adding support and color.

"You lie without your voice too," he says. "Lying by leaving out, lying by leaving."

This piques Aislin's interest, as she can't immediately place what it is he's talking about. She places the flower crown around his hat and Cole smiles again as she settles down beside him, back to the wall.

"You like me because you can't lie to me about what hurts," Cole says. "Like me for helping people. But does it help you? That you can't lie when I'm around?"

"Yes," Aislin answers. "It does. Who am I lying to by leaving out?"

"Lots," Cole looks at the dirt for a moment, picks up a broken daisy and holds it in the palm of his hand. "All? Everyone wonders why, and you don't tell. She didn't want you and you don't know him and they're not your blood but they are your family, you miss them, miss Mirevas, miss Melava. But that's yours. Not theirs. I'm sorry. It's not mine either."

"It can be yours," Aislin tells him. "You can't help it, Cole, and I'm asking. Go on."

"The other things, they're yours, but you never wanted them," Cole squints up at the sky, then closes his eyes. "Unwanted. Unwanted before you were, unwanted because you are, and..."

Cole starts shaking a little. He seems to be almost in a trance as he goes on, "Wanted for what you don't want to give, never wanted to give, not to that one, and the hate...helpless, horrified, hurting, hating, hiding. It's made you afraid, fear freezing feelings for him, he wants you, he wants you but what does he want you for, he wants you now but will he if he has you, will he if he knows you, will he if he knows..."

Cole's eyes fly open and he shakes his head, hard, tears suddenly streaming down his face. He looks at Aislin as if he wants to hug her, but he hugs the kitten instead, gathering it up in his arms as if to protect it from something.

"No," He says, mumbling into the kitten's fur, and he looks at her with wide eyes. "I know what he wants! He wants you, always you, all of you, but he knows you lie, you leave out, you leave."

"They all know I lie," Aislin says, struggling to control the timbre of her voice, stroking the black kitten as it nuzzles Cole's chin. "They know I tell them the truth when I can, when it matters."

Cole shakes his head again. "Not him. Lies are like whip lashes. He loves...he loves, and he loves, lips on lips and love and lies in between, and you leave, he loves and you lie and he loves and you leave and he doesn't know why...you don't even know why."

Aislin wonders how Cole knows, how he can recite Cullen's feelings as if he were there, but she can't dwell on it long. Cole _is_ helping - it hurts, but he's helping, and she answers him with her head in her hands.

"Because I'm afraid." Her voice is small, nearly silent.

"Once," Cole says. He touches her shoulder gently to make her look up at him. "Once yes, not long ago, fear first love last, but not now. Still scared, but not enough. Scared is not a reason. He's scared, scarred, shaken, but safe and solid, protecting and proud. He feels like quiet, stronger when you hold him. But you don't believe me."

Aislin looks away again, unwilling to let even Cole see the flush on her cheeks and the fear in her eyes. She looks at the ground between her boots and says, "Tell me what he is to me, then."

"Light," Cole answers, almost immediately. "Light in the dark, light in the storm. Warm like campfire light. Hot like wildfire light. Moonlight in his hair, starlight in the snow. Sunlight in his eyes."

Aislin hesitates, then says through clenched teeth, "And tell me what I am to myself."

Cole is quiet, and when he answers, his voice is reluctant, unsure, as if these are words he doesn't want to say, doesn't like to say.

"Darkness," he mumbles. "Shadow in the dark, dagger in the dark, hunter in the dark. Death in the dark. Shadow, marred, separate, marked. Marked unwanted before you were, marked other because you are, marked dirty dark used broken, now marked green, and when they call you Herald and Holy and Chosen and Inquisitor you feel all that marks you unworthy and you feel sick. But you're wrong. You don't believe me, but you're wrong."

"So what am I, then?" Aislin asks, and she's almost laughing when she says it, because everything Cole has just said is so true that it hurts. It hurts to hear it, hurts more to hear it denied, because what else could she be?

"Shadow in the dark, dagger in the dark, hunter in the dark, the dark that the dark things dread," Cole says. "Marked to make free, marked to save and help and lead and live and love. Marked family. Marked friend. Marked love. And you don't believe me."

And Aislin _is_ laughing now, laughing because it covers up the fact that she's crying, because no, she doesn't believe him. Cole can see her heart and her mind, Cole may not even know _how_ to lie, but he can't live inside her life. 

And then she hears his voice, and she realizes how Cole knew - realizes that Cole knew the whole time.

"Would you believe me, then?" Cullen asks, stepping out from the shadowed walkway near the side entrance to Skyhold. The sunlight shines gold in his hair, and Aislin freezes.

"Do you trust me?" He asks, and he's then he's walking toward her with his gentle voice, his sunset eyes are full of love and confusion and pain and Aislin can't.

She _can't_ , and she scrambles to her feet before Cole can take her hand, backing away from them both the way she would from a predator. She doesn't know what Cullen heard and thinking about it makes her mind feel loose, as if she might start screaming, and before she does she knows she has to get out, get away, because Cullen can't see her like that, he _can't_.

The moment Cullen reaches toward her Aislin leaps for the garden wall, digging her fingers and toes into the crevices and pretending that she can't hear Cole asking her not to go, telling her he's sorry, pretending that she can't hear her name in Cullen's voice, can't hear that he's pleading with her, apologizing, begging her to talk to him.

She vaults herself over the wall with every intention of running away, but when she lands in a crouch she feels too shaken, too exhausted to run, and instead of fleeing she sinks into the melted, muddy snow, pulls her knees up to her chest and tries to breathe.

She doesn't know what he heard, but it's a safe bet that he at least heard what she thought of herself. That's awful enough, but he can't use that against her, can't hurt her with what she already knows. What she fears more is that he heard what she thinks of him...and that he _can_ hurt her with.

Then she hears Cole's voice, frantic and faint from the other side of the wall.

"He left, like you, but I hear it - it hurts so _loudly_  - "

Cole’s voice is panicky, the way it gets when he’s overwhelmed by painful emotions that aren’t his, emotions that he can't or isn't allowed to help with. Aislin listens, face buried in the tops of her knees.

"Maker, please heal what hurts her. I want to help her, hold her. Deadly, dangerous, dark, delicate, determined and defensive, can't get her out of my head. She's silence and strength and sense and safety, saving me, soft in my arms and I'm sure, certain. Wanting her like water, wanting all of her, wanting her but wanting more, wanting most the hurt and hell and heart because her heart hurts and I'd kill to keep her safe even if I can't keep her. Kissing her, crazy over her, and she kisses back, bright beautiful breathtaking broken, and I love her, she leaves and I love her, she lies and I love her, she leads and learns and Maker, I love her, let me help her, let me be good for her even if she never loves me."

Aislin nearly breaks, wrapping her arms over her head and blocking her ears as a single quiet sob escapes her tight chest. She hurts so much and she's shaking so hard that she barely notices when Cole falls to the ground beside her, landing ungracefully in a heap with the kitten peeking from the collar of his shirt.

"Should have told you," he says immediately, distraught. "I thought it would help, I thought he would help, it wasn't a trick! He heard me talking, he wants to help but he can't hear like I can, you love him so much, I thought it would help but I'm sorry, Aislin, I didn't do it right. I made it worse, didn't I?"

Aislin doesn't answer him right away. She leans against him, still fighting to regain control of herself, not trusting her voice to hold steady but not wanting him to think that she's angry because she isn't. She can't be angry with Cole.

"Humiliated," Cole whispers. "It's all tangled, I can't find the ends, I'm making it worse, I'm not helping, I'm sorry, I’m so sorry - "

"Cole, no," she says softly. "This isn't your fault. You're doing your best. I just don't make sense. To anyone. Especially myself."

"You make sense to him," Cole says. "You help him."

"I hurt him," she counters. "You know that."

"Yes. But he knows, knows there’s something hidden hurtful hellish, knows trust is tricky, takes time. He _knows_. Take your time but tell the truth, he wonders like you do. Wonders what you want, why you want, if you want, so let him know about the light. He didn't hear that part."

Aislin is shaking again. She knows Cole is right - he almost always is - but she's scared, and she hates it. She hates feeling vulnerable and frightened, hates the anxiety in her chest, hates herself for not being better, not being _stronger_ -

Cole leans his head down and props it against hers, then plucks the black kitten out of his shirt and sets it in Aislin's lap. It immediately begins purring, kneading its tiny paws into her stomach and scent marking her.

"It's okay that you hurt, Aislin," Cole says. "Humans hurt, feel fear, all of them always. Yours is deep, dark disarray, but you're not alone. I think he likes you. Do you want to keep him?"

For a brief moment, Aislin wonders just who Cole is talking about. Then she gathers the kitten into her arms and nods. It licks her nose before curling up near the crook of her neck, and for the next little while, she and Cole and the kitten sit together in companionable silence.

**Author's Note:**

> I know Cole isn't supposed to be able to hear the Inquisitor the way he does other people, but my headcanon is that if Cole and the Inquisitor were very close and he had no other distractions, he could probably focus enough to bypass the mark.


End file.
